the battle rages on
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just left a huge legacy in there
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“i am a sweet baby”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology