Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
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My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.