My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
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[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
That’s a good costume, I hope.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.