[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
December birthdays be like…
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.