Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Pandas 🐼🖤
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Worth remembering.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.