I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
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Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
we’re gonna need another temp
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem