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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.