[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?