Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.