[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
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[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.