If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
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Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.