Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
how long have you had this for?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.