Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them