The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
At an art museum and I thought this was art