corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
live, laugh, laundry.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.