I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
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My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.