what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.