“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
You Might Also Like
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.