why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
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You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?