Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
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Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Heroic Misunderstanding
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
be careful
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.