Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
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Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing