never deleting this app.
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63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.