My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes