kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.