Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
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married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
My first son he is wonderful
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Finally!
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat