I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
You Might Also Like
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
How software testing works
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.