No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
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When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me