Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
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Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.