“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
me and who
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]