The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Coffee for people with no kids
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver