*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Thursday
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.