Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
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my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?