One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
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Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.