If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
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Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
584.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems