Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
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Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I put the mess in domestic.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher