Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
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KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.