“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
You Might Also Like
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
What if the weather talks about us?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car