I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.