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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]