*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.