I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew