This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
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*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
mathematically impossible