Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
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yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.