Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
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“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
But is it really??
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
When news reporters do sports stories
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
this is the best day of my life