If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
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“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas