“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
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I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.