Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Coffee is ready.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.