Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
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[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Haha good job!!
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that