Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
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Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
🤣😈🤣
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong