IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
The options really are this bad
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?